There are few who don’t recognise the name ‘Dr. Ruth’. A one woman media dynamo, Dr. Ruth has revolutionised global sexual literacy, becoming the world’s foremost and most famous ‘sex doctor’. She recently visited Egypt to lecture at the Young President’s Organisation’s international conference, and while in Cairo she spoke exclusively to Enigma about her life, love and, of course, sex!
Dr. Ruth Westheimer, or Dr. Ruth as she’s intimately known the world over, is a paradox wrapped up in a famously petite package. The strength of her personality and intelligence stand in no relation to her 140-centimetre frame; her advocacy of sexual literacy and her explicit choice of words do not match her grandmotherly appearance. “I never thought I’d be talking about sexual organs in Cairo,” she said during her latest visit to Egypt. Orphaned at the age of 10 by the Nazi regime and trained in Israel as a sniper, she eventually became a renowned psychosexual therapist.
Dr Ruth is also a one-woman power-house who helped pioneer the field of media psychology with her radio program, Sexually Speaking. It began in September1980 as a 15-minute taped show, but within a year it evolved into a live, one-hour airing on which she answered call-in questions from listeners. Soon it became part of a communications network to distribute her expertise, which has spanned television, 30 books (including Sex for Dummies and Power: The Ultimate Aphrodisiac), newspapers (her syndicated column Ask Dr. Ruth circles the globe), games, home video, computer software and her own website, www.drruth.com. Currently Dr. Ruth is an Adjunct Professor at N.Y.U. and an Associate Fellow of Calhoun College at Yale University. She is a fellow of the New York Academy of Medicine and in addition to having her own private practice, she frequently lectures at universities and conferences across the world. She is irresistibly friendly and fizzes with contagious enthusiasm, as we talk about sex, love and the Arab world….
You have just spent a few days in Cairo, speaking at an international conference. How has your message translated?
My message is universal and no matter where I am, it stays the same. I always say: make sure that your relationship is a good one, keep the sex alive and do what is necessary to keep your smile alive in your relationship. But I am very honoured that a Jewish woman like me, known to have lived in Israel, was invited to Cairo to address an international group of people; including people from Egypt, Saudi Arabia, Syria, Jordan and Kazakhstan.
You often refer to yourself as “old fashioned and a square”…that’s so surprising!
I am very old fashioned. I believe in love. I believe in relationships. I believe in people staying together for a lifetime or as long as possible.
You yourself have had several marriages! My family were all exterminated in concentration camps. So I was sent away to Palestine, which became Israel in 1948, and I married the first fellow who offered to marry me…we loved each other, and we are still good friends – but it wasn’t a marriage forever. Then I met a gorgeous looking French guy and I married him for one year and had a beautiful daughter, yet that didn’t lead to a real relationship. However, my late husband Fred Westheimer and I were married for 37 years, and that was a true marriage.
You were also trained as a sniper? We were all trained in the forerunner of the Israeli Defence Force, and for some reason I can’t explain, I’m a very good sniper. I can put five bullets into this little red circle (makes circle with her fingers). I know how to throw hand grenades. I’ve never killed anybody but I was badly wounded.
So I guess you could never have imagined you’d be the first woman to address issues of human sexuality so openly…
No, and mind you I was already 50 when I started my radio show. I am now 79 and if you would have told me, that at this age I would be in Cairo, talking to people from such different backgrounds (some of them veiled), about sex I would not have believed you! Especially in this day and age it makes me very happy this is possible without having to change my lecture. I was exactly as explicit as I usually am and used the same terminology. When I speak about sexuality, I base it on scientific evidence and that is why people listen. I am not just an old Jewish lady that talks about sex; I know what I’m talking about.
Do you think some of your life experiences made you bolder?
I am bold because the one thing that I’ve learned coming out of Nazi Germany is that I have to stand up and be counted for what I believe. And that’s why people are listening to me, because they know it’s not a put-on.
In the Arab world sex remains a taboo subject, especially in relation to pre-marital sex. How do you feel about that?
I have never studied any scientific data on sexuality in the Arab world so I can’t give you an informed opinion. However, in many traditional societies sexual literacy is very limited and that can create big problems in a marriage. It was the same in the United States in the past, when mothers would tell their daughters to lay back and think of England during their wedding nights! We have to respect traditions but it is important that both men and women are well-informed so they do not get scared on the first night and have a traumatic experience. This is why sexual literacy is so important. In today’s world, with the Internet and so many different flows of communication, we don’t have the luxury to not address the subject. We have to talk about sexuality but we have to address it in the framework of people’s traditions.
What is the relationship between sex and romance? I do believe that romance has to be part of it. Romance is very important; it’s something everybody thinks about differently and that’s okay. For some people, it’s candlelight, for some it’s skiing. It doesn’t matter what it is, but it has to be part of the relationship and of knowing what you like to do together.
What is your advice for people who are in long-term relationships where the sexual aspect has become stale? You have to make a conscious decision to not let your sex life die. When it becomes boring, that’s the time to make sure, first of all, to have sex in the morning; not when you’re too tired, not after alcohol, not after a heavy meal. After a good rest. Wake up in the morning, go to the bathroom, have a small breakfast, and go right back to bed together. It’s very important to keep your sex life alive, not to let it become boring. If it’s boring, it’s going to disappear. I always tell older people to stay active and find stimulating activities together. I also say, for example, skiers make the best lovers. (And I know because I’m a skier.) They take risks, they go outdoors and get in shape. They’re not couch potatoes who sit at home and watch all the bad news on television.
Are there any natural products that can help enhance sexual pleasure?
An aphrodisiac works if you believe in it. If you believe in black olives, go out and get black olives. The most important aphrodisiac, though, is in the brain. It’s good to have some fantasies in your mind. But if you’re thinking about how you or your partner looked in a bathing suit 30 years ago, keep them to yourself. Use those images when you’re having sex, but don’t talk about them A good aphrodisiac is to go on vacation. Life’s struggles and problems are left at home. And when you come back, you have all those memories and images to help you get excited. I do have patients, however, who I send to their physicians for Viagra. I have nothing against it if your physician says you can take it. It’s very important that if a man takes Viagra, his wife has to be part of the decision. A man can’t just come home with an erection and tell his wife: “Let’s go to bed” after he hasn’t talked to her in three days because he was busy watching sports on TV.
You’ve had an extraordinary life and career. What would you say has been your biggest achievement?
My biggest achievement is that I’ve had a 40 year happy marriage until my husband passed away and that I have a son and a daughter, who each have a son and a daughter, and I have a daughter and son in law I love. So when I talk about family, I know what I am talking about. Having been orphaned at the age of 10, it makes me very happy to be able to talk about family and know what that means.
